Have you ever sat back and wondered why, on some days, you're more exhausted and mentally fatigued than on other days? When was the last time you did a personal inventory of just how much of your time, energy, mental and/or physical ability, and thoughts are dedicated to everyone else, but where it matters most...YOU? Have you ever reached a point in your day where you felt like saying, "no more" or "enough is enough?" Chances are, when you get to that point you have already surpassed your true breaking point. With this in mind, do you realize it will now take twice as much energy and stamina to get back to a place of balance and peace?
First and foremost, there is an art to saying, "No" or "I've had enough" and NOT feel guilty about it. Look, I get it, most of us have huge hearts and want to do what we can to help others, but at what cost? If you don't know what your breaking point is ahead of time, how then can you stop yourself from reaching that point? Below are a few guidelines to help identify when it's time to look out for you and stop allowing others to barge through your boundaries.
Fatigue starts to creep up on you
Anxiety levels increase
You feel a sense of irritability
You're making decisions that you normally wouldn't make
Your emotions are on overdrive
You're losing interest in what usually brings you joy
You're feeling a loss of control
You may be finding it difficult to focus on anything
For many, saying no is uncomfortable because we don't want to hurt or offend others. That's the kindness in your heart, but it's also a form of social conditioning. We have all learned that sometimes when saying no, it just makes matters worse, so we give in just to appease others as to avoid the feeling of being "uncomfortable." Did you know, saying no is a powerful way to gain a sense of control and confidence for yourself as well as respect from others? We don't have to be mean about. There are tactful and polite ways to go about it, and once we learn the art of saying no, the feeling of being uncomfortable begins to subside. Below are a few examples.
Example 1: A friend continues to ask for money because they are fully aware of how kind and giving you are, but you're starting to feel irritated because the friend has yet to pay you back. What do you say? Here's a tactful way to send a very clear message: "Friend, I appreciate the fact that you feel comfortable coming to me when you need help. It validates the trust you have in me, and I appreciate that. Unfortunately, before I can load out anymore money, I feel it's time you start paying back some of the money I have loaned you before I can afford to offer anymore." Don't waiver on this. Calmly state this and leave it at that. Remember, you cannot control others. Your friend may try to push harder, but stand your ground. You are not their loan officer. If all else fails, simply state, "Friend, we have a great friendship, but please, don't mistake my kindness for weakness. I will not loan you anymore money." A genuine friend will recognize they have put you in an uncomfortable situation and thank you for all you've done to help.
Example 2: Boss says, "I need you to pull a few extra hours tonight because we're short staffed." You say, "I appreciate the opportunity to help out in a crunch. It means a lot that you value my work ethic enough to fill in the gap, but I am not able to cover the shift." Now, your boss may ask for a reason why. Pay attention here... YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED to provide a reason. You were hired to perform specific duties in a specific period of time. You have done your job and most likely have gone above and beyond on many occasions, which is why your boss is coming to you in the first place. All you have to say is, "I appreciate how difficult it is to run a shift being short staffed. We're very fortunate to have such great business. Perhaps another employee may have more free time tonight than I do." Sure, does it sound like you're passing the buck? Maybe, but should that be your problem? No.
Example 3: A friend, neighbor, colleague, etc., asks you to help clean their house or unload some stuff they've been hanging onto for years. Initially you help and put your time and energy into cleaning, organizing, and selling the items in a garage sale or on a social media website. At first, it goes well and your friend is thrilled you made them a couple hundred dollars, and even earned a bit for yourself, but then the well dries up. Now what? Well, inevitably your friend will begin to push and ask what's going on. Instead of getting sucked into doing their work for them, you can simply say, "Friend, that was a lot of fun selling stuff and making money, but I've exhausted all the energy and time I am able to give to this. I appreciate the opportunity you gave me to make some extra money for us, but I have other things that require my energy and attention, and I'm starting to feel a lot of stress from this. Perhaps you can donate it to charity or have a garage sale yourself." You're friend may get irritated, but you know what? They'll get over it. You did your part and were helpful. You don't owe anyone anything. You have every right to know what your limit it and to convey your feelings. If you are done with helping then you are done! It's ok to set that boundary. If your friend gets upset with you, well, that's their emotion. NOT YOURS. They aren't being very considerate to your needs or feelings, so why work so hard to take care of theirs? You've got your own "self" to take care of.
These are three basic examples. My point with this post is simply this, do you realize, on average, you are asked to do something more than thirty times a day? So, lets say you agree and say yes to half of what people ask you to do? By the end of the day you're left wondering where on earth your energy went and why you're left feeling empty handed. I'll tell you why... You're doing stuff for everyone else and pushing aside what you want and need for YOU!
Think about it. This goes back to the notion of being a giver or a taker. Which one are you? There is nothing wrong with giving and being helpful! There is nothing wrong with being a taker, but often what happens is the takers abuse it. Plain and simple. Being a giver is a great attribute, but when it starts to take away from what you need to feel happy and energized, then it's time to set a boundary. The first step is to identify what you are feeling and why. Then, structure a boundary so you can give in a helpful and healthy way without draining your reserve of resources. It's like a self-care bank account... We can take out our "emotional money" all we want, but at some point, if we don't make deposits to pay ourselves back, we are going to be left with nothing. Aren't YOU worth investing in?